“Oh, Jacob! Your film was divine.”
“You really, loved it?”
“I truly did.”
“On a scale of Golden Globe to Oscar, where would you rank it?”
“[Chortles] Sweetie, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here.”
“So…you didn’t love it?”
“Oh no, I did. And you were divine, but this was no Shakespeare in Love - My Oscar winning role from 1999.”
“Well, it’s a completely different kind of movie.”
“OK, but do you think this is an award caliber performance?”
“Your film is out in September.”
“What does that mean?”
“How long have you been in the Industry? You know if a studio really believes you or your film is Oscar worthy it’s coming out around Christmas. That’s when Saint Nicholas brings all the good little actors their Oscar dreams.”
“But you just said I was divine?”
“Oh sweetie, you were. I mean with the script you were given? And it even co-starred Ugly Betty.”
“[Tearing up] You’re right. You are always right.”
“I know, Jacob. I know.”
Martha: This was imported from Sweden. Try it, Chow Chow.
Chow Chow: Are you kidding me? This shit is from IKEA.
Martha: I wouldn’t be caught dead in there. I only shop at K-Mart.
Chow Chow: Oh, please. You wouldn’t even be able to find one using a GPS.
Martha: I think this Best in Breed thing has gone straight to your head.
Chow Chow: Have you seen my head? I don’t think it can get any bigger.
Martha: You were born that way.
Chow Chow: Don’t even start with that Gaga bullshit, Martha.
Imagined Dialogue: Cameron Diaz & Gwyneth Paltrow
Cameron: OMG, G! Bobby Flay retweeted you!
Gwyneth: Robert always retweets me. He thinks that will raise him a notch up my friendship ladder.
Cameron: Friendship ladder?
Gwyneth: Yes, it is how I arrange my friendships in order of importance. People at the top of the ladder are most important and people at the bottom are just a little less important.
Cameron: I don’t even want to know.
imagined dinner party dialogue: sean penn, scarlett johansson, & sheikha mozah
sean: isn’t she beautiful?
sheikha: oh yes.
scarlett: (in a whisper) stop it, you’re embarrassing me.
sean: but it’s true.
sheikha: not as beautiful as me or my hat, but beautiful nonetheless.
sean: this is a wonderful party and the food…!
sheikha: thank you so much.
scarlett: (in a whisper) i could really go for a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
sean: you just had an entire meal.
scarlett: i know, but it was kinda weird.
sheikha: what is it, sean? does your daughter want to order something from the children’s menu?
imagined dialogue: justin timberlake & jessica biel’s dogs
dog 1: you gonna miss this?
dog 2: no, are you kitten me?
dog 1: ugh, enough with the cat jokes.
dog 3: i’ll miss you guys.
dog 2: oh purrlease.
dog 1: i am going to pee on your bed if you keep that up.
dog 3: i think that’s what justin said to jessica the other night.
dog 1: do you think that’s the reason they’re breaking up?
dog 3: no way, he’s more of a bitch than i am.
dog 2: i would have called him a pussy.
dog 1. that’s it i am not licking your balls anymore.
dog 2: that’s ok, i can reach them meowself.
imagined dialogue: justin bieber & rihanna
justin bieber: kevin jonas just sexted me again.
rihanna: ooh gurl, that looks more like skittle and i ain’t tasting that rainbow.
imagined dialogue: ryan reynolds & jake gyllenhaal
ryan: hey girl.
jake: hey boo, love your chain wallet!
ryan: thanks. i love that your keeping the beard, you’re so brave. where is she?
jake: oh you! she’s in the green room.
ryan: you’re bad.
jake: not as bad as you!
ryan: how bad?
jake: michael jackson bad.
ryan: oh, i’m not into that.
jake: girl, quit playin’.
bradley: i heard what happened.
ryan: (tears up)
bradley: hey girl, don’t cry. let’s go to my place and rub our abs together.
ryan: (tears up) no homo?
bradley: totally! no homo…winky face.
helen mirren: hey you!
helen mirren wax figure:
helen mirren: i love your dress! where did you purchase it?
helen mirren: oh, it must have been gifted to you then?
helen mirren: listen up you wanker. i’m just trying to be friendly here. these press events can be trying.
helen mirren: piss off then you cunt.