Imagined Internal Monologue: The Situation’s Abs
You know that spooky party game Bloody Mary?  The one where you stare in the mirror repeating ‘bloody mary’ a few times and then nothing happens?  Well, my life is like that game.  I am forced to stare in the mirror at myself at least 23 out of 24 hours a day.  Do you know what that does to my psyche?  I don’t think I’m good enough. I’m worthless. I could do so much better.  I could try harder.  I feel like one of the grenades he brings home.  I get rubbed, abused, and then yelled at when I don’t perform well enough.  I don’t even want to get into all of his chronic masturbating.  Have you ever been spit at six to ten times a day?  I have and it’s not pretty.  I don’t feel pretty, either.  I get cold so much too.  How many people need to see me at this point? Aren’t there enough pictures of me on the internet?  I feel more exposed than Scarlett Johansson.  Maybe I should get the FBI involved?  Sometimes I feel bad for Snooki’s vagina since that gets as much exposure as me, but how many people are actually trying to rub on that thing?

Imagined Internal Monologue: The Situation’s Abs

You know that spooky party game Bloody Mary?  The one where you stare in the mirror repeating ‘bloody mary’ a few times and then nothing happens?  Well, my life is like that game.  I am forced to stare in the mirror at myself at least 23 out of 24 hours a day.  Do you know what that does to my psyche?  I don’t think I’m good enough. I’m worthless. I could do so much better.  I could try harder.  I feel like one of the grenades he brings home.  I get rubbed, abused, and then yelled at when I don’t perform well enough.  I don’t even want to get into all of his chronic masturbating.  Have you ever been spit at six to ten times a day?  I have and it’s not pretty.  I don’t feel pretty, either.  I get cold so much too.  How many people need to see me at this point? Aren’t there enough pictures of me on the internet?  I feel more exposed than Scarlett Johansson.  Maybe I should get the FBI involved?  Sometimes I feel bad for Snooki’s vagina since that gets as much exposure as me, but how many people are actually trying to rub on that thing?

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Imagined Internal Monologue: Lindsay Lohan
"What did I do this week?  Ooh, right!  I hung out with Terry.  He’s so fun.  Always taking my picture.  He makes me looks so natural and real.  I talked to my mom.  She started writing a new young adult book series about a teen mom struggling to raise her children in post apocalyptic Los Angeles.  Speaking of teen moms, have I talked to Ali this week?  Come to think of it I don’t think I’ve talked to her in weeks.  Have I? Hmmm… Oh My God! Wait a minute.  That was Ali?  What the fuck happened to her face? This is coming from me I know. I KNOW."

Imagined Internal Monologue: Lindsay Lohan

"What did I do this week?  Ooh, right!  I hung out with Terry.  He’s so fun.  Always taking my picture.  He makes me looks so natural and real.  I talked to my mom.  She started writing a new young adult book series about a teen mom struggling to raise her children in post apocalyptic Los Angeles.  Speaking of teen moms, have I talked to Ali this week?  Come to think of it I don’t think I’ve talked to her in weeks.  Have I? Hmmm… Oh My God! Wait a minute.  That was Ali?  What the fuck happened to her face? This is coming from me I know. I KNOW."

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Imagined Internal Monologue: Lindsay Lohan
I can’t even believe that this is my life.  I’m riding shotgun, my mother and her friend are in the middle, and my bodyguard is sitting in the trunk or where ever he is.  I’m a star! I deserve my own car. How did my mother get invited to Kim’s wedding?  Like she and Kris are even friends anymore.  Jesus Fucking Christ! Would those two shut the fuck up?  Two white wine spritzers and she’s a fucking stand up comedian.  I’d almost rather be back in prison than ride for another ten minutes in the car with her. Fuck, I bet even Mena Suvari rides alone and she basically a crack whore.

Imagined Internal Monologue: Lindsay Lohan

I can’t even believe that this is my life.  I’m riding shotgun, my mother and her friend are in the middle, and my bodyguard is sitting in the trunk or where ever he is.  I’m a star! I deserve my own car. How did my mother get invited to Kim’s wedding?  Like she and Kris are even friends anymore.  Jesus Fucking Christ! Would those two shut the fuck up?  Two white wine spritzers and she’s a fucking stand up comedian.  I’d almost rather be back in prison than ride for another ten minutes in the car with her. Fuck, I bet even Mena Suvari rides alone and she basically a crack whore.

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Imagined Internal Monologue: Hugh Jackman Summer Book Club Edition™
"OMG.  I am so glad Summer & The City was available for download.  That Candace Bushnell just gets me.  I have been dying to know the real story of how Carrie met Samantha! She probably met her getting a back alley aborsh…jks! At a back alley STD clinic.  Oh my God, Hugh you’re awful! I could do without Miranda, though, and really couldn’t we all?  I loved the Carrie Diaries so I am sure this is going to be the best summer reading I will do all summer. Yay!"

Imagined Internal Monologue: Hugh Jackman Summer Book Club Edition™

"OMG.  I am so glad Summer & The City was available for download.  That Candace Bushnell just gets me.  I have been dying to know the real story of how Carrie met Samantha! She probably met her getting a back alley aborsh…jks! At a back alley STD clinic.  Oh my God, Hugh you’re awful! I could do without Miranda, though, and really couldn’t we all?  I loved the Carrie Diaries so I am sure this is going to be the best summer reading I will do all summer. Yay!"

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Imagined Internal Monologue: Britney Spears
"Oh my god y’all.  I just came out of my dressing room for Cheetos and there were, like, all these people here.  I just tossed my pink robe on to come out here, cause, like, I gotta shave my pits still.  Please, y’all, don’t make me take this off… I don’t want to look like one of those, what do you call them? Oh yeah, Vegans."

Imagined Internal Monologue: Britney Spears

"Oh my god y’all.  I just came out of my dressing room for Cheetos and there were, like, all these people here.  I just tossed my pink robe on to come out here, cause, like, I gotta shave my pits still.  Please, y’all, don’t make me take this off… I don’t want to look like one of those, what do you call them? Oh yeah, Vegans."

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"well, at least i’m not in jail, right?" -lindsay lohan

"well, at least i’m not in jail, right?" -lindsay lohan

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imagined internal monologue: taylor momsen’s dog
who is the bitch kidding? i mean, seriously, she looked in the mirror 15 times before we left the house…and i had to pee like a motherfucker.  i threw up in her favorite boots though.  and that lipstick? seriously girl? you’re not fairuza balk in the craft. stop trying so hard to summon manon alright?  i need to get my swerve on. let’s go to the dog park.

imagined internal monologue: taylor momsen’s dog

who is the bitch kidding? i mean, seriously, she looked in the mirror 15 times before we left the house…and i had to pee like a motherfucker.  i threw up in her favorite boots though.  and that lipstick? seriously girl? you’re not fairuza balk in the craft. stop trying so hard to summon manon alright?  i need to get my swerve on. let’s go to the dog park.

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imagined internal monologue: jared leto & gerard butler
gerard: you’re like a free ride when i’m already late.
jared: i bet he’s hitting on me in his head again.
gerard: i would go down on you in a theatre.
jared: he smells like cigarettes & sex
gerard: thank u india.
jared: omg i bet he’s quoting alanis morissette again.
gerard: i got one hand in my pocket.
jared: you already won me over.

imagined internal monologue: jared leto & gerard butler

gerard: you’re like a free ride when i’m already late.

jared: i bet he’s hitting on me in his head again.

gerard: i would go down on you in a theatre.

jared: he smells like cigarettes & sex

gerard: thank u india.

jared: omg i bet he’s quoting alanis morissette again.

gerard: i got one hand in my pocket.

jared: you already won me over.

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imagined internal monologue: lindsay lohan
hmmm…i wonder what this means for me in terms of roles now that amanda bynes has retired from acting. note to self: rent she’s the man.

imagined internal monologue: lindsay lohan

hmmm…i wonder what this means for me in terms of roles now that amanda bynes has retired from acting. note to self: rent she’s the man.

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imagined internal monologue: lindsay lohan
"come on lindsay, remember this. you can do it. all you have to do is think. think lindsay. think.  ok let’s try this from the top. a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k…come on lindsay. you can do this."

imagined internal monologue: lindsay lohan

"come on lindsay, remember this. you can do it. all you have to do is think. think lindsay. think.  ok let’s try this from the top. a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k…come on lindsay. you can do this."

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